An EvaR Halloween Special
by redemption2
Summary: A funny little one-shot of the characters of Eva-R doing some haunted house stuff. Please ignore the slightly OOCness.


An Eva-R Halloween Special.

Don't know what Eva-R is? Then shame on you. GAINAX owns Evangelion, Maher owns Eva-R and its characters, and I own my right to stupidity.

---  
  
(Shinji walks out in his plug-suit and faces forward. He smiles and waves.)  
  
Shinji: Hey, welcome to the biggest EVAnt of the year. Yeah I know that's a bad joke but still.... In any case, I'm your host tonight. NERV's budget has been cut rather sharply lately, so it's fundraising time once again. Instead of doing our usual Evangelion-shaped cookies bake sale, we're doing a little something special for Halloween. We're gonna enter the scariest place on earth, NERV's Haunted House, the GeoFront. Come with me and I'll take you through it.  
  
Kensuke (off screen, camera bobs as he speaks): Hey Shinji, why are you leading this, and what happened to that shy guy attitude of yours?  
  
Shinji: Good question Ken. Well we all drew straws for this job and well....  
  
Kensuke: You lost.  
  
Shinji: No, actually, Asuka did. But she shoved it into my direction with a lot of yelling and screaming. She nearly beat me to a pulp to get me to actually act "normal" for this. Let me assure you, there is nothing as scary as Asuka in the GeoFront today, not including my father, who seems to have dissappeared.  
  
Asuka (diving at him): I heard that you stooge! (grinds a fist into his head) and where's your scary costume?  
  
Shinji (breaking from the lock): This is my costume! I figured the only thing freakier than me is me in a plug-suit. So here it is. Hey, where's your costume?  
  
Asuka: Idiot, I'm saving that for later. Get on with the show or we'll be behind schedule. (She starts to walk away but turns around quickly scanning him with her eyes, smirking. Shinji takes no notice as she walks away.)  
  
Ken: Dude, the Devil just checked you out!  
  
Shinji: Yeah right, maybe after Twelfth Impact.  
  
Ken: I'm serious, I'll play it back for you, here let me...  
  
Shinji: After the show. Come on.  
  
---  
  
Shinji: Here we are at the entrance of NERV's main complex, where the magnetically sealed doors will only allow access to people with NERV ID's. Once the attraction is open, we'll change that to credit cards, heh heh.  
  
Ken: I don't see how that's funny.  
  
Shinji: Huh, neither did I. Anyways, it looks like someone got here before us. I guess we'll have to wait in line.  
  
Ken: Why don't we just go to one of the other scanners?  
  
Shinji: Um...because...we can't, that's why!  
  
(A sweatdrop passes over the lens.)  
  
Shinji: Anyway, let's just wait for this guy to pass through.  
  
(A very stiff man slides a card through the machine and the door opens in the middle. The man moves towards the entrance without moving his legs. In fact, his feet squeak.)  
  
Ken: Hey, that's a dummy!  
  
Shinji: Shut up!  
  
(Halfway through the door, it closes up on the dummy, openning and closing, chopping the plastic creation as fake blood splatters everywhere. Shinji points his thumb to the now closed door.)  
  
Shinji: Oh well, too bad he tried to use a fake ID.  
  
---  
  
Shinji: The halls of NERV have always been like a maze, so it's perfect for a haunted house. There are so many trick ways to get around there are little traps everywhere. Keep a lookout.  
  
Lyn (jumping out of a side hall in front of Shinji): Blah!  
  
Shinji: (rolling eyes) Eek.  
  
Lyn: Oh bloody hell, come on! I thought this costume just screamed creepy.  
  
Shinji: Just who are you supposed to be anyway?  
  
Lyn: Alucard from Hellsing. It is a British based anime after all.  
  
Shinji: Then where's the creepy cape?  
  
Lyn: The front door ate it. I need to get Ibuki to fix that. Hey, could you guys give me a hand? I'm kinda lost.  
  
Shinji (giving the camera a wink): Sure, Lyn. Just follow us.  
  
---  
  
Shinji: I don't get it, I don't think I made any wrong turns.  
  
Lyn: You mean to tell me that we're lost?  
  
Shinji: Yep, sorry.  
  
Ken: Shinji, didn't you say that at dead ends there's something scary?  
  
Shinji: Yeah I did, and judging by how long we've been walking, it could be pretty horrifying.  
  
Lyn: H...h...horifying?  
  
Shinji: Don't worry. I'm sure I know the right way. It's that way. (Points to a pitch black hall.)  
  
Lyn: Why that hall? That other one is perfectly well lit!  
  
Shinji: Because it's a trick. That'll lead to the trap because you're not expecting it.  
  
Lyn: Makes sense, black hallway it is!  
  
(Lyn walks proudly into the pitch blackness. Shinji and Kensuke stand at the crossroads.)  
  
Ken: You sent him to the trap didn't you?  
  
Shinji: Wait for it.  
  
Lyn: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! (Dashes behind Shinji.) It...it...it's the most horifying thing I've ever seen!  
  
Ken: What? What is it? What?  
  
(Footsteps.)  
  
Lyn: No. It's coming!  
  
(Louder footsteps.)  
  
Lyn: Keep it away. Keep it away. It's...it's....  
  
(A figure emerges.)  
  
Misato: Hey Shinji, Kensuke, Lyn. Would you like some juice? (Holds up a can of apple juice and takes a long swig.)  
  
Lyn: It's Misato sober! AAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhh! (Faints.)  
  
Shinji (chuckling): Nice one Misato.  
  
Misato: Think he'll be okay?  
  
Shinji: He'll be fine. We're just about to get out of here, wanna come with?  
  
Misato: Sure. I need a beer anyway.  
  
---  
  
Shinji: Geez this is a long hallway.  
  
Misato: Shinji-kun! You're trying to intentionally get us lost, aren't you?  
  
Shinji (stopping in front of a dark room with the door open, facing Misato): I am not! I just haven't been here in a wh....  
  
(Two hands cup his mouth from the dark confines of the room and snatch him into it as the door closes. Shinji's scream pierces the place.)  
  
Misato and Ken: Shinji!  
  
Asuka (panting after dashing into the picture): I just heard screams, what happened?!  
  
Ken: Something took Shinji in there!  
  
Asuka (snarling and pushing her sleeves up): No one makes Shinji shriek but me. Wait here.  
  
(She whips the door open and jumps in. It closes again, and another scream echoes through the hall.)  
  
Misato and Ken: Asuka!  
  
(They fling open the door and dive in. Misato draws her pistol. The room is completely dark. Suddenly a computer pannel lights up on a wall, and so do two large cylinders with backlights. Misato cringes as she remembers the look of the dummy plug room. The lights brighten in the tubes to reveal two people, one with short brown hair and one with long red hair, slowly dissolving in solution, their internal organs showing in different spots. Misato bends over and retches, looks up again, screams, and faints.)  
  
Asuka: Heh, that was fun.  
  
(The real Shinji and Asuka emerge from behind the computer console.)  
  
Shinji: Didn't think she'd puke though. We may have gone overboard.  
  
Asuka: Relax, she's used to puking up all that beer. Besides, it's payback for all the teasing.  
  
Shinji: Whatever. (Turning around and calling.) You can come out now, Rei, Tenkei.  
  
(Ken's camera spins around as the said persons exit out of an adjacent room. The two other pilots meet them halfway.)  
  
Asuka: Thanks for slapping that little trick together for us, Wonder Girl.  
  
Shinji: It was very realistic. It even creeped me out.  
  
Asuka: You're creeped out at everything, stupid.  
  
Rei and Tenkei:...  
  
Asuka: Well, I'm out. I'm going to go change into my costume. See your frightened faces later.  
  
Shinji: Well that's it for her for now. Rei, Tenkei, no one is going to come around here for a while. Care to join us? (They nod) Then let's finally get out of this maze.  
  
---  
  
Shinji: Now that we're finally out of that annoying hallway dilema, we've made it to the Eva cages. The bridge behind the Evas have been damaged recently, so we can't go that way. We'll have to take the umbilical bridges across.  
  
Ken: You mean I'll finally be able to see an Evangelion up close? Sweet!  
  
Rei: Ikari, there is nothing wrong with the main br....  
  
Shinji: Let's get going!  
  
(Shinji pushes Rei onto the bridge. She shuts up and walks along slowly.)  
  
Shinji: There have been some weird reports about the Evas at this time of night. There have been crazy, unconfirmed reports of strange happenings around here. Personally I think the night shift shouldn't be eating the late menu at Taco Bell.  
  
Ken: What kind of reports?  
  
(Stopping at 00)  
  
Shinji: Well they keep saying that 00....  
  
(Giant flatulant sound.)  
  
Shinji: Gets nighttime indigestion. (pinches his nose shut) Let's get out of here before we get a wiff.  
  
(Runs and stops in front of 01 panting.)  
  
Ken: That...was close.  
  
Shinji: No...kidding. (A large red drop hits his head.) What?  
  
(He looks up as another drop hits him in the face. He wipes it off. The source of the liquid is dribbling out of the mouth of 01. Blood is dribbling off of its wide open chin.)  
  
Shinji: I'm not piloting you until you brush your teeth, Mother! You get that?! Splattering blood all over me. (The others blink at him) What? She just can't seem to break that midnight snack habit. Let's go.  
  
(02 cage.)  
  
Shinji: The reports on this one are probably false, but they say that 02 has a nighttime allergy.  
  
Ken: A nighttime allergy?  
  
Shinji: Yeah, they say that....  
  
02: Aaaaahhhhh! Aaaaahhh!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!  
  
Shinji: Oh crap! She's gonna...  
  
02: Aaaaaahhhhchhhooooo!  
  
(Shinji and Ken are blown back, covered in slime, along with the entire bridge, other than Rei and Tenkei. Their AT fields recede. Shinji and Ken sit up and begin to spit out the goo.)  
  
Ken: Did I just get plastered by EVA snot? Ptooey.  
  
Shinji: Yeah. Ptooey. Didn't think I'd get it though. I planned this one out. Ptooey.  
  
Asuka: Did you really think I'd let you do something this stupid with MY EVA Shinj-idiot?  
  
(Asuka stood on top of 02's head with a grim reaper costume on.)  
  
Asuka: Consider this revenge, hahahahaha! Fire!  
  
02: Aaachoo!  
  
(The boys are thrown back by the blast again.)  
  
Shinji: This stuff tastes worse than LCL. Pleach!  
  
Rei: Ikari, do you need something to wipe that off of your mouth? (She approaches him.)  
  
Shinji: right now...thanks.  
  
Rei: Understood.  
  
Asuka: What do you think you're doing WonderGirl?  
  
(She planted a long kiss on his lips.)  
  
Asuka: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (Faints)  
  
Ken: Aaaaaaahhhhh! (Cameral falls to the side. Ken faints.)  
  
(Rei separates from Shinji.)  
  
Rei: Did I get it all, Shinji-kun?  
  
(Shinji blinks and faints. Rei picks up the camera and turns it towards Tenkei.)  
  
Tenkei: Good plan.  
  
Rei: Thank you.  
  
Tenkei: Well now that I'm the host, let's continue!  
  
---  
  
Tenkei: Well, we've got one more Eva cage to visit, and it's 06. The rumors aren't about what it does, but what is around it at night. I wonder if this rumor is true.  
  
(They step on the umbilical bridge.)  
  
Aoi: My last mission will soon be upon me.  
  
(She stands on the center of the bridge and stares at the yellow Evangelion. She turns white and stretches out four wings, floating to where the Eva's nose should be, patting it.)  
  
Aoi: Ask Lyn to forgive me for destroying all life on Earth.  
  
Tenkei: Woah, Aoi. Nice costume! I don't even see any wires holding you up. Talk about state of the art.  
  
Rei: It is...interesting.  
  
Aoi: Oh, hey guys. Have you seen Lyn? I'd like to talk to him for a while.  
  
Rei: He is recovering from shock from viewing Major Katsuragi sober.  
  
Aoi: That's the crulest fate of all next to Third Impact!  
  
Tenkei: Check the hospital wing later on. By the way, where can I find an Angel suit like that?  
  
Aoi: It's custom. You like?  
  
Tenkei: Yes.  
  
Rei: Tenkei, we must continue.  
  
Tenkei: Understood. Bye Aoi. Don't stay up there for too long.  
  
(They exit the cages.)  
  
Aoi: If they only knew.  
  
---  
  
Tenkei: Well, the last stop on this creepy journey is Central Dogma, where everything happens normally. But nothing seems to be happening right now.  
  
Rei: You do realize that saying so might start something.  
  
Tenkei: I do. That is why I said it.  
  
Rei: I see.  
  
(The commander's chair swiveles around. Commander Ikari presses his elbow on the intercom button as he assumes his classic pose.)  
  
Ikari: This ends now. All personell to Central Dogma on the double.  
  
Rei: Commander? Are you not supposed to be on vacation?  
  
Ikari: That matters not.  
  
(Everyone seen so far files in in their various costumes. Ken is still wiping slime off of himself. Asuka rubs her head from fainting on 02. Aoi catches Lyn's eye and they start putting the moves on each other. Misato is using beer as a mouthwash for the vomit she expelled. Tenkei and Rei just stand there, the girl's hand on the little boy's shoulder.)  
  
Ikari: I see everyone is assembled. I am very dissappointed at this display of patheticism ther....  
  
Asuka: Hey, where is Shinji?  
  
Ikari: That child is unimportant. He is only a pawn for all of your schemes. Your misconduct will be punished, and it will be given out right now.  
  
(The glare he shoots paralyzes them.)  
  
Ikari: Pilot Soryu. You will be leaving Major Katsuragi's care and returning to Germany, without your Evangelion. (Asuka gasps and sobs.) Major Katsuragi, you will no longer be in custody of either child and will permanently remove any and all alcoholic beverages from your area. In other words, you will quit drinking. (Misato crumples her can.) Pilots Anoulith and Tamashii, you will be living with each other from now on, but will be separated by a large piece of bulletproof glass. You will be allowed zero bodily contact with each other. (They hug each other like it is the last time, because it is.) Mr. Aida, you are guilty of spying on NERV, punishable at your age by life in prison. You will begin your sentence after this meeting is complete. (Ken drops his towel.) Rei, Tenkei will be sent to an orphanage in Tokyo-2. You will have no more contact with each other.  
  
Rei (hugging the boy close): I will not let you.  
  
Ikari: Foolish child. Are there any other objections? (A murmur runs through the assembly) Is that so? Then you are all so...so...so...  
  
(The Commander chuckles, and his hands drop away from his face, showing a hairless chin.)  
  
Shinji: So gullible! (Taking off the Gendo costume.) You actually thought I was him! I had you all wetting your pants! Hahahahahaha! (Doubling over in the Commander's chair.)  
  
Asuka: IKARI SHINJI! I am SO going to kill you!  
  
(Before she leaps up and strangles him, a door slides open, revealing a brown-haired, bearded man with tinted glasses. He was wearing an I LUV NERV T-shirt and cargo pants. He enters, raises a hand, and waves.)  
  
Gendo: Hey everyone, what's going on? Asuka, I'm impressed with your most recent synch test results, keep it up. Major, I'd promote you again, but there are no positions left open. Kensuke, I hear that the intelligence division could use someone of your talents, interested? Aoi, Lyn, can I be the best man at the wedding? And Rei, I'm working on getting the papers through so that you can be Tenkei's permanent guardian.  
  
(Everyone's jaws drop.)  
  
Gendo: Oh, and Shinji?  
  
(He stands there, fidgeting.)  
  
Gendo: I love you.  
  
Everyone but Gendo: IT'S IKARI BEING NICE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(They collapse to the floor, all out cold. Gendo chuckles.)  
  
Gendo: This was an excellent plan you cooked up, Fuyutski, Okazaki.  
  
(The said adults enter the room.)  
  
Seyoko: They needed something to scare them other than 15 story high Angels.  
  
Fuyutski: This seemed the most logical approach.  
  
Gendo: Then there is one thing left to do.  
  
(He pulls them into a group hug.)  
  
Gendo: You guys are the best!  
  
(The two share a look, then collapse to the floor, not to get up until they wake.)  
  
Gendo: Now I can finally get some peace around here.  
  
(He leans back in his chair and presses a remote control, bringing up the camera of Lilith in terminal dogma.)  
  
Gendo: I don't know why, but I really feel like watching Casper right now.  
  
---  
  
Happy Halloween everyone! Sorry if it's an hour late.


End file.
